Friday, August 13, 2010

I've bonked.

I have been thinking about why I have been feeling resentment toward this process.

Here's the thing.

When we started Candidacy Numero Uno we were all, "La, la, la, exciting, ooh, we made it past the test, ooh, now past the essays, wowwie, now, past the OA! And look, based on the stats, a 5.4 will get us in. And fast."

But how quickly things change.

That 5.4 became doggie kibble because the economy went into the crapper and all those smartie-pants people who used to have better things to do thought they would apply, just like we did. And then they spoke Arabic and Mandarin and were veterans and zippity-quick, up the ladder they flew, and down the chute we sailed.

So, Candidacy Numero Dos. A little more grouchingly waiting for each step of the process. Our eyes are more wide open. And more aware that this career may not happen, despite all the time and effort. That sometimes timing and luck and the economy and just fate can be enough to make it happen. Plus hard work. But I don't want my husband to be the guy who takes the test ten times. 

The thing that makes me resentful and tired is that I went into this thinking I was in for a sprint and when I was near the finish line, they moved it and told me, "Ha, ha, Sucka', this isn't a 5K, it's a marathon. Actually, we may decide it's an ultra-marathon, you know, where you run through the desert for 100 miles. But we'll let you know. Sometime."

I am a walker. I trained for the 5K and I am hitting the wall. I don't have my energy bars or gel or goo (look at me sounding all official, like I know what that crap is) or enough water. And, hello?, where is the bathroom?


Jen said...

I'm truly sorry..not sure what else to say. I know it's hard when you are almost there and hope it's of some comfort that so many people are thinking about you and rooting for you guys to make it to the finish line very soon.

FSO Hopeful said...

Definitely a character building process. How much time does he have left on the current roster? From personal experience you can get the SCNL score in pretty short order if you really immerse yourself.

Magia said...

I completely empathize with what you're going through! This process is hard on the whole family and I'm getting tired of telling people we're just waiting when people ask what our plans are. People say this is the toughest process and it is worth it in the end. Let's hope we'll see our invitations before we go bonkers!

I'll Take Mine... said...

Thanks, Jen. I don't expect any sympathy. Don't worry. I feel lame complaining. I made my bed... well, he and I made the bed.
FSO Hopeful, we've got almost another year left for this candidacy.
Magia, I hope your husband kicks a** on the test, I really do.

A Daring Adventure said...

Oh, HONEY. I'm so, SO sorry. I'm just now hearing about the German test and I can't tell you how sorry I am.

Hugs to you. Hugs to you all.

LeesOnTheGo said...

You have absolutely every right to feel frustrated by this process. It is not for the faint of heart and truly is a marathon. And the choice to stick-with-it or cut-your-losses-and-run is purely personal. I hope that the waiting game doesn't become too difficult and that you do find little bits of hope that encourage you along the way. Because at the end, it really is worth it all.

Bfiles said...

I've been trying to figure out what to say and coming up short. You have such a way w words. Marathon is right. Changing under our feet is right. I feel like that now, and I know I'm lucky to be where I am. I hope you find the patience to carry on and that you know that so many are behind you.

Bryn said...

You know what's really annoying...when you find out that the majority of 23 year olds who passed the test and then were offered jobs within a few months.

I'm sorry you are waiting so long. I feel your pain!!